We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
