guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
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