There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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