You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
