you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
