where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
