I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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