dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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