Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
