My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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