when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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