Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
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Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
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I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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