Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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