"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
