Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
