i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
