So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
