Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
