he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
