i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
