she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
