I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
