Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
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