and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
