I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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