It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
