I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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