FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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