I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Enjoy the penises
We need to get me chipped asap
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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