She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
