How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
