Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
