Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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