this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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