He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
