I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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