I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
