She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Randomize
