woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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