I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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