You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
