I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
