Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
