my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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