i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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