It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
