Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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