I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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