Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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