You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
