I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
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Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
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I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.