Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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