you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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