pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Do vagina's smell?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
You need Xanax blowdarts
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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