I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
