do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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