Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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